Are You Looking for a Partner? How Well Do You Know Yourself?
Are you looking for a partner? One of the best things you can do to manifest a fulfilling relationship is to first know yourself deeply. We know ourselves when we do the work to shed limiting beliefs and foster nourishing beliefs; when we engage in practices and activities that help us learn about who we are and express that; when we do what makes our hearts sing; when we love ourselves, when we have good boundaries, when we can be consciously reciprocal, when we take responsibility for our actions, and when we take the risk to open to love—then the lamp of our spirit burns brightly, we can see clearly, and we can both attract and recognize a partner.
If we don’t do work on ourselves we often end up finding a partner that ensures we replicate dysfunctional family of origin patterns. When we know ourselves well enough, then we naturally and easily avoid or aren’t interested in repetitive-family-of-origin partners. Instead, we see from our Wise Selves the Wise Self of another.
A true partnership is a spiritual path. It means engaging in living your joy, taking risks, and being willing to learn and grow.
I have often found that clients who are looking for a partner get stuck on asking for exactly what they want when they don’t fully know who they are, what they want, and that it’s okay to ask for this! Yes, you can straight up ask things from the beginning, “I want to talk about dreams, do you?” What is your fighting style?” “Have you done therapy because that’s important to me?” If anyone is scared away by what you’re asking, that is great! Then you don’t waste time and have more time to draw in who you want. And the more particular you are, the more specifically the universe can arrange a meeting.
Here are some prompts to journal about, or visualize, as you consider knowing yourself and drawing in a partner.
Prompts for a partner, in no particular order, and for you to learn about yourself, for you to journal about or visualize:
Self Knowledge:
- What do you love about yourself?
- How do you work with your own critics?
- How do you grow through your edges while loving yourself?
- What brings you satisfaction?
- What makes your heart sing?
- What brings you pleasure?
- What fulfills you?
Consciousness:
- What kind of commitment to self growth do you have?
- Do you want your partner to have—therapy, a spiritual practice, a mindfulness practice?
- What are your spiritual or ethical views?
- What basic values do you share with your partner?
Snuggling and Sex:
- What kind of and how much snuggling do you enjoy?
- What kind of touch do you like to give and receive?
- What kind of sex do you enjoy?
- What kind of sexual relationship do you want to have?
Communication and Participation:
- What kind of conversations do you have? How deep do you want to go? How frequently?
- How do you like to be listened to?
- How does your partner express love to you? How do you like to express love?
- What words most deeply touch your heart? How would you convey that to a partner? How would you ask your partner about what words most deeply touch their heart?
- Describe the kind of respect you want to be treated with.
- Describe how your partner honors your boundaries, and you theirs.
- How does your partner support and champion and love you saying No!
- What is a healthy argument and how do you have it? What is your fighting style?
- How do you want your partner to express trust and appreciation of you. Be specific: 1. What words? 2. What actions?
- How do you ask for help?
- What is your “love language” and how do you understand and support one another if your love languages differ?
- Write about the kind of partner who can “accept your influence”—meaning, a partner that doesn’t demand their way, but someone who can hold both of your ways, and allow themselves to sometimes be swayed. How do you do the same? How do you compromise?
- What are your expectations around seeing your family and seeing your partner’s family, especially when a family of origin is problematical?
- How do you want to grow together and what does that mean?
- How does your partner challenge you to be your best self? How do you accept this. How do you offer this to your partner?
- What is a loving way to hold one another accountable?
- What will help you get through tough times?
Finances:
- How easy or not is it to talk about money? What would help you talk about this?
- What is your relationship to money?
- What does abundance mean to you?
- What financial goals do you have?
- How do you imagine manifesting them?
- Do you know what leisure time is? Do you know it is an integral part of an abundant life? Do you allow yourself to have leisure time? If not, why? How can you start?
Supporting One Another:
- Write about how you would like your partner to stand up for you. How do you stand up for your partner?
- Write about how your partner talks positively about you to others, and you about your partner.
- Write specifically about how your partner is your champion—be specific about what your partner is championing—what are your dreams, hopes, plans? How do you champion your partner?
- What does this mean: “My partner shows up for me, and I show up for my partner.”
- How do you want your partner to support you? How do you want to support your partner?
The Basics:
- What fun things do you do enjoy doing together?
- What kind of music do you like?
- Is dancing important?
- What kind of food do you like—any dietary considerations? Do you like to eat out at restaurants?
- What part does physical exercise and nutrition play in your life?
- Is travelling important to you? Camping, road trips, air flights?
- What kind of relationship to substances and alcohol are you comfortable with and what is a deal breaker?
- What do you wish regarding having children or not? What about a partner who has/doesn’t have kids? What does being a good enough parent mean? How will you talk about parenting?
- Pets—yes, no, allergies?
- What are your particular interests—do you want to talk about dreams in the morning, be involved in social justice, grow a garden or tend to land, etc.
Big Picture and Loving Yourself:
- What do you want to see when you look back on your life ten years from now, even if you haven’t yet met your partner?