An Attachment Practice of Co-regulation of Partners

An Attachment Practice of Co-regulation of Partners

We are biologically wired as mammals to turn to our primary attachment person when we are overwhelmed. Here is a healthy way for partners to expedite this process:

In a calm moment, on your own, go inside and drop down into your chest and let yourself fill in the three-D details of who your partner really is—their face and eyes, the history of their dependability, all the things big and small that they do for you, how they are a safe person for you, and let yourself really feel who they really are. Spend a few moments of gratefulness for them.
Next identify what you most need from your partner when you are overwhelmed in terms of one short potent phrase, and, if you like, something physical like a hug. This works best when you have come up with this, not them, that way this is personalized to you.
- Example: I’m on your side (and a hug).
- Example: I see you (and offer a hand to take).
- Example: It’s going to be okay and it’s okay right now (and put a hand on their shoulder).
In a calm moment talk this over with your partner: Ask that when your partner sees that you are overwhelmed, that they then proactively offer you this statement, and this physical gesture. Agree to make this a plan.
Now, when a time comes when you are overwhelmed, and your partner proactively offers this to you, it is your job to:
- Remember who they really are.
- To take in what they are offering.
- Thank your partner.
What goes around comes around—At the same session when you are telling your partner what you need, take the time to ask them what they need. Talk to your partner about this exercise and invite them to identify and tell you what they need when they are overwhelmed. When you see that they are overwhelmed, then you proactively first calm yourself, remember who they really are, then offer what they need to them. It is their job to take it in.
This can also help when the two of you are having an argument. It’s like on the airplane when the flight attendant says to first take oxygen yourself, then offer it to your child. Someone has to do this first. If you are having an argument, practice:
- Remembering who your partner really is (not just the upset partner).
- Calm yourself by telling your own inner child the phrase you came up with for yourself.
- Offer your partner what they have taught you that they need.

Please note, the exercises you will find here are not meant to replace professional help. If you find that they are activating to you, please seek the guidance of a professional. If you are in the San Francisco Bay Area and would like a free consult to see how I might accompany you on your journey, please reach out and call me at 415/668-5130.